


rabbit hole

by reylofics



Category: Music RPF, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Drunkenness, M/M, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-25 07:40:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16656991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reylofics/pseuds/reylofics
Summary: brendon’s drunk and ryan’s not there. jumbled and messy, just like brendon’s thoughts.





	rabbit hole

**Author's Note:**

> i listened to c’mon by panic! while writing this.

Brendon is lightheaded and tired; he’s unarguably drunk. In other words, he’s completely and utterly wasted. This, if nothing else, is proven to be true by the way he stumbles out of the bar and into the streets. He drunkenly ignores the concerned looks of his still sober neighbors sitting idly inside. It barely even crosses his mind that he’ll have to face these people tomorrow and expertly dodge their questions about the previous night like he always does. Even more so, he forgets about the fact that he’ll also have to face his wife and the countless number of questions that she always asks him in the morning when he comes home like this. Then again, she might just be sleeping over at a friend’s house on nights like this, where she’s too tired to wait up for her husband like the other wives in their neighborhood. If that turns out to be the case, Brendon will forget even more until he wakes up to her interrogative stare and everything in his head hurts like it always does.

And right now, his head is pounding. But it’s quickly overpowered by the thousands of painful memories that alcohol always seem to induce. Really, Brendon Urie should know better than to drink when he knows it only will only make the unfillable hole in his heart grow bigger and bigger. 

Stumbling through the streets isn’t doing him any favors. Brendon isn’t making the smartest choices tonight. Not only did he drink ten drinks too many, but he also forgot his car at home. Luckily, home isn’t too far from the bar but staggering through the streets only reminds him that home will never really be home without the missing piece that once filled the hole in his heart. Now he has someone else that he promised to love for the rest of his life and even though she doesn’t fill up the hole in his heart entirely, it’s better than waiting for the person that will never come back.

Nonetheless, he can’t help but think about him. Brendon’s getting lost in the streets and the darkness surrounding him is making him think how much happier he would be if Ryan was there with him. The curb invites Brendon to sit down so that he doesn’t end up tripping and falling down on the curb involuntarily. Brendon accepts the invitation and allows his heart to take over as he sits down. When he gets drunk or high, which seems to be every other night now, Brendon seems to have stopped fighting the part of his mind that always screams at him to not reminisce about the past. Quite randomly, he also happens to deliriously imagine scenarios in everyday life where Ryan is there with him in lieu of his wife.

Going through these memories leads Brendon Urie down a rabbit hole that he can never seem to get out of. His heart continues to fall down endlessly down the rabbit hole. Hopelessly, Brendon has tried to catch his heart every night by finding a solution with alcohol or weed. So far, it hasn’t worked. 

If anything, the only thing that these memories have done is reminded Brendon of the fact that his head is near the point of breaking off and leaving him behind in the dust. The only thing that’s really keeping him sane is the ghost of someone’s smile that he’ll never get to see the flesh again. That’s not to say that he’s dead, though. Ryan isn’t dead and even though they’re not on speaking terms anymore, Brendon would be the first to know if anything even remotely bad had happened to the older boy. But it’s not like it would matter. Ever since that fateful day in Cape Town when Ryan left after a few days of contemplating whether their relationship was worth fighting for anymore, Brendon knew that their chapter together in life had come to an end.

On drunk nights like these, Brendon can’t help but to think that their story ended much too early. After all, he hasn’t found anyone quite like Ryan Ross and he’s pretty sure (it might just be the alcohol talking—it probably is) that Ryan feels the same way on the other end of the country. As he always does when he’s wasted out of his mind, Brendon begins to think about what the other boy is doing right now. He imagines that Ryan is smiling that bright smile that always made him smile on his worst days. Though it makes him sad to think of happier times like those, he really hopes that Ryan is still wearing that same infectious smile. Selfishly, Brendon secretly hopes that Ryan isn’t wearing it for anyone else. If he can’t find happiness, who is he to expect that Ryan should find the same? Honestly, Brendon just feels like the world is against him.

The raven haired boy sluggishly slumps on the sidewalk, lying his head down to rest. Each memory that he goes through only makes his head pound harder through his skull. The alcohol is racing quickly in a battle against the brighter parts of his mind that are struggling to bring Brendon back from the dark place that he goes to every night.

Thankfully, Brendon is able to snap out of it for a second. He snaps his head back up from the pavement in a wave of whiplash, rubbing his sore neck as he struggles to pull himself off of the sticky pavement. Everything hurts and at this point, Brendon is just trying to make sure that he doesn’t go to stand in the middle of the road. Coincidentally, right as he thinks that, a car flies by. It narrowly misses him, driving right past the spot where his feet where originally laying on the ground. Brendon’s breath hitches up in his throat for a second and he has to take a second more to regain his faltering breath, holding his hand to his chest in doing so.

“Ryan?” he whispers out into the darkness to no one in particular.

As expected, nothing answers but the sad whimper of the wind that seems to emulate Brendon’s own current feelings. Brendon hastily brings his hand up to his cheek, where he feels a wet substance pooling on the curve of his cheek that’s just above his cheekbone. In a mixture of curiosity and sadness, Brendon does nothing to stop the flow of tears that keep tumbling down aimlessly down his face. Instead, he stands on the sidewalk in shock while the wet tears cascade down and over the tips of his fingers.

All the light, from his perspective, has left his life. Standing in the lone shadow of the lamppost above him, Brendon feels like a cloaked figure is darkness. If Brendon was to see himself from another person’s perspective, he would be terrified. In fact, he IS terrified of himself. Scared of doing anything else that might unintentionally harm him, Brendon begins to walk home.

The walk home is a twisted maze of pavement and dwindling streets, but eventually, Brendon gets there. Home. As expected, his wife isn’t there. Sighing in disappointment (whether it’s at himself or his wife, he’s not sure), Brendon drearily walks upstairs to his room. He’s not even sure if he’s locked the door properly. At this point, he doesn’t even really care. Brendon’s so out of it that he doesn’t even realize when he’s gone from one step into the doorway to plopped down facefirst onto the bed upstairs.

When he wakes up, Brendon reaches over to the other side of the bed for Ryan but he’s not there. Grumbling angrily, Brendon stumbles out of bed and goes to the bathroom cabinet to shake some pills into his mouth to treat his hangover. Then everything starts all over again. He dodges the questioning looks of his neighbors all day and when night comes, he gets drunk and heads home just like the night before. In the morning, he always seems to reach for the same person. But Ryan is never there.


End file.
